Hitman Handbook: When DIY Murder Goes Off the Rails

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Hitman Handbook: When DIY Murder Goes Off the Rails

We’ve all seen the movies—shadowy figures making deals in dimly lit alleys, an exchange of cash, a cryptic nod, and boom—the hitman disappears into the night, ready to execute a flawless contract kill. But in reality? Hiring a hitman is more like hiring a disaster waiting to happen.

The truth is, the vast majority of murder-for-hire plots fail spectacularly. Why? Because the people attempting them often lack any real criminal expertise, make hilariously bad decisions, and—more often than not—end up hiring an undercover cop instead of a contract killer.

Why Real Hitmen Aren’t on Craigslist

It turns out, professional killers don’t exactly run advertisements for their services. However, law enforcement does. Over the years, authorities have set up plenty of sting operations to catch would-be criminals looking for an easy way to eliminate their enemies.

One of the most infamous examples? The Rent-A-Hitman website. Created as a joke, this parody site ended up attracting real people looking for assassins. Instead of getting a contract killer, they got a one-way ticket to a jail cell. It turns out, reading the terms and conditions could save you from a lot of trouble.

The Stupidest Hitman-for-Hire Fails

If you thought people looking for hitmen online was bad, wait until you hear how some of these murder-for-hire plots unfolded:

  • The Man Who Tried to Hire a Hitman in a McDonald’s Parking Lot
    Because nothing says “low profile” like discussing a murder plot over a Big Mac. Spoiler: The guy he hired was an undercover cop. Oops.

  • The Woman Who Paid a Hitman with Installments
    Budgeting is important, sure—but maybe not when paying for an illegal service. When a woman couldn’t afford to pay her “hitman” upfront, she worked out a payment plan instead. That “hitman” turned out to be a police informant, and let’s just say she didn’t get her money’s worth.

  • The Husband Who Wanted a Refund
    After hiring someone to kill his wife, one man became furious when the job wasn’t done fast enough. So, he did what any irrational criminal would do—he demanded his money back. Shockingly, this didn’t end well for him.

So, Why Do People Keep Falling for This?

Despite the countless arrests, the constant media coverage, and the sheer ridiculousness of many failed hitman plots, people still keep trying to hire contract killers. Some believe they’re criminal masterminds, while others are just desperate and dumb. Either way, they forget one crucial fact: almost every hitman-for-hire story ends in handcuffs(for them, not their intended victim).

Lessons Learned: Don’t Be Clueless

The next time you hear about a contract killing in a movie or TV show, remember: real life doesn’t work that way. Murder-for-hire is messy, rarely successful, and often hilariously dumb. If there’s one takeaway from this episode, it’s this: if you go looking for a hitman, you’re probably going to jail.

Want more unbelievable crime stories? Listen to our latest episode of Crime Clueless, where we break down the wildest murder-for-hire fails and why hitmen are way harder to find than you’d think.

What’s the dumbest crime story you’ve ever heard? Tell us in the comments or join the conversation on social media! #CrimeClueless #HitmanFails #DontBeClueless

Don’t forget to follow us on social media, share your thoughts, and let us know what you’d like to hear about in future episodes. If you have any true crime stories of your own, send them our way crimeclueless@gmail.com, to be featured on a future episode!  And as always, remember: refuse to be clueless, careless, or caught off guard. Not today, murderers.

See you in the next episode of Crime Clueless!


Resources

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